Caring for your aging parent may already be difficult enough, but disagreeing with your sibling on how to best handle their care could intensify the situation. Collaborating with a sibling is a predicament that’s far more common than most think, it may resurface long-buried emotions and logistical challenges that are tough to prepare for. You and your sibling may have different ideas, levels of involvement and interpretations of what the “right thing to do” involves.
Friction in families is common, but how families manage that tension can help shape the quality of care and improve your sibling bond. We’ll discuss why sibling disagreements often occur, how to transition from conflict to collaboration, and when it may be beneficial to seek outside support.
Why Sibling Disagreements Happen
Conflict between siblings is never ideal, especially in adulthood. While research shows that sibling relationships in midlife and beyond are often positive, caring for an aging parent can introduce stressors. The emotional weight of making decisions, balancing responsibilities, and managing expectations can test even the closest relationships.
- Uneven Caregiving Roles: One sibling may carry the brunt of daily tasks, while others remain hands-off. This can build resentment when one sibling feels their effort isn’t matched or appreciated.
- Financial Friction: Each sibling may have a varying financial situation, which can lead to disagreements over how much they can contribute and what may or may not be considered “worth it.”
- Conflicting Care Philosophies: Each family member may have different beliefs about the best way to provide care for their parents. Some may prioritize safety over independence, while others may opt for familiarity over facilities; neither is right nor wrong, but somewhat different comfort zones.
- Old Family Patterns Resurfacing: Childhood roles and rivalries may resurface unconsciously, potentially complicating current decisions regarding your parents’ care.
- Geographic Barriers: Siblings who are closer in proximity are often more involved, which can skew perceptions of commitment or lead one sibling to try to exert more control than the other.
When everyone lives far away, supporting your parent becomes more challenging. A care manager can alleviate geographic burdens and sibling tension, making them a natural fit for providing your parent with the support and attention they need.
Refocus the Conversation: What Does Your Parent Need?
As frustrating as sibling disagreements can become, shifting the focus back to your parent is what matters:
- If the conversation turns into a quarrel of childhood arguments, shift the goalpost back to parent-centric priorities.
- Ask yourself: What would make your parent feel most safe and supported right now? Do they prefer to remain independent with safety precautions, do they need hourly care, or perhaps, a combination of the two?
- Whenever possible, include your parent in decisions to prioritize their autonomy and well-being.
- Ensure you and your siblings are on the same page and share the same values with your parent, such as maintaining their dignity, quality of life, and continuity; these can serve as neutral ground.
- If your parent is struggling with dementia or cognitive decline, consider their past wishes and current comfort when making decisions with your siblings.
Care needs are not linear. At first, you may want to consider hourly support that can fill the gaps you and your siblings can’t; this can also be a good time to talk about how to better age in place. Even an option for companionship can feel like a weight is lifted. As life changes, 24/7 or live-in care may be needed. Yet, already having some care in place can make this transition a little easier.
At Assurance Home Care, our in-home assessments are designed to understand current circumstances, look down the road and plan for the future, and ensure your parent and siblings feel confident in your options and next steps.
Strategies for Smoother Conversations
If tension tends to surface during care discussions, you may be looking for strategies to diffuse a situation and stay on topic while preserving your relationship with each other:
- Timing Matters: Avoid high-stress times, such as on holidays or urgent medical moments. Plan a neutral family “care meeting” to find the best solution that everyone’s happy with.
- Use “I”: Explain how you’re feeling by saying “I’m feeling overwhelmed” or “I’m struggling.” These help your family understand how you’re feeling more than “You never help.”
- Active Listening over Interruption: If a sibling’s perspective feels frustrating or unexpected, take a moment before responding and reflect to try to understand where they’re coming from. Making space for emotions allows for mutual understanding. It can also help alleviate guilt and rebuild trust over time.
- Stick to the Shared Goal: Reaffirm what the goal is; wanting what’s best for your mom or dad. Meet them where they are at, and remember to honour their wishes, even though this can sometimes be counterintuitive to what’s “best” for them.
- Decision Log: Keep notes or a shared document to mitigate rehashing old talking points.
Many families turn to Assurance Home Care’s care management support when conversations reach a standstill. Our care managers act as a neutral, professional voice to help families assess their loved one’s needs, mediate discussions, and develop a customized care plan that everyone can agree on.
For example, if siblings can’t decide whether hourly or live-in care is best, a care manager can outline what each option looks like in practice, helping the family move forward with clarity.
Define Everyone’s Role Without Assumptions
Not all contributions look the same; one sibling may be better suited for logistics, while you’re more emotionally available. A shared care plan can help create balance and give you headspace to make time for yourself, while preventing sibling conflict:
- The organized one? Calendar keeper.
- The local one? Appointment companion.
- The emotionally available one? Parent liaison.
Revisit roles monthly, as situations may change, you and your siblings’ roles may too. This kind of role clarity helps each sibling show up in a way that feels meaningful, whether that’s being seen as a thoughtful planner, a compassionate listener, or the one who’s always there when it matters.
Coordinate with Technology
Technology can help bridge the gap between you and your siblings if you’re far away and need to communicate about updates on your parent. Sharing these tools as a neutral system can help mitigate frustrations and focus on the logistics:
- Google Calendar for appointments and availability
- Shared folders for legal and medical info, such as CaringBridge and CareZone, for real-time updates
If your parents are seeking assistance with day-to-day life, learn more about life-changing apps for seniors and their caregivers that can help them find comfort and peace.
When Outside Support Becomes the Smart Move
If you’re trying to make decisions with your siblings but continue to reach a disagreement, a neutral third-party professional may help to find clarity in your parents’ care plan:
- Mediation helps give each voice space while reaching a consensus.
- Social workers or geriatric care managers can assess needs and provide options regardless of potential sibling bias.
- Family therapists help when history, not logistics, is the real source of conflict.
- If conversations stall or become combative, neutral third parties can provide a helpful perspective.
Assurance Home Care offers personalized support that can meet your parent’s care and family communication needs.
Think Beyond the Moment
Planning helps everyone breathe a little easier, knowing you’ve considered your parents’ future gives siblings peace of mind and softens the emotional weight of uncertainty. Long-term peace of mind will come from planning, not division:
- Financial planning for ongoing care
- Legal protections, such as a power of attorney
- Writing down a family care agreement
- Setting regular check-ins for changing needs
Working Through Conflict is Part of the Care
Disagreeing doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means you’re invested. When siblings work through differences with intention and compassion, care decisions become less about division and more about unity. The goal isn’t perfect agreement, but a plan that honours your parents’ needs and allows each family member to show up in ways that feel manageable and meaningful.
Families remember how they supported each other during difficult times. Navigating these challenges with care can help each sibling feel like they did right by both their parent and one another. If you’re finding it hard to align on what’s next, our team is here to support you. Contact us to talk through your options and find a care path that works for everyone involved.
About The Author
Stephen Bleeker
Stephen Bleeker is dedicated to redefining senior care as the CEO and founder of Assurance Home Care. His passion for enhancing the quality of life for seniors is at the heart of the company’s mission, which focuses on supporting aging in place through compassionate, personalized care. With a diverse background spanning music, lifestyle, and entertainment, Stephen brings a unique blend of creativity and strategic insight to the healthcare industry. His knack for innovation, customer experience, and holistic marketing has consistently led to exceptional outcomes, making him a dynamic leader who’s transforming how care is delivered.